My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
