I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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