I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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