It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
