Moan for me like Helen Keller
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
