now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
