You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
