he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
