I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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