I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
