New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
