Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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