I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
