You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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