"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
