Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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