I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
