yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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