So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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