??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
