I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
