No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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