If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
