Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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