Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
