i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
