I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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