I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
