It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
