My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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