are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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