just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
