Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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