apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
