I heard we made out
I just threw up on my dentist
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
