Michael Bay diarrhea
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
