Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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