someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
