My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
