he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
