ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
