if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
