I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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