Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
