absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
