im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
