I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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