Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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