I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
