I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
