good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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