Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
