If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
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I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
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Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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