you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
