If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
