I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
