How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
